How To Survive a Garden Gnome Attack

How To Survive a Garden Gnome Attack

This book is, as its name states, a survival manual for when gnomes attack. After explaining the dangers and the need for such a book in the introduction it starts off by helping the reader assess the threat, part of which is observing gnome communication which evidently they achieve by using crop circles, stone arrows and heliographs. Part two goes on to the specifics of safeguarding your home, by building a moat, installing some quicksand, digging pits and buying a large dog. Part three explains what to do should the worst happen and recommends the use of sledge hammers, guns and landmines. Part four is largely about how to dispose of the enemy once it has been vanquished, recommending (amongst other places) an eighteen thousand foot deep trench in the Atlantic or parts of Antarctica.

It is not a particularly big book and can be read from cover to cover in under an hour. If I had paid full price for it (and not got it for a quid on eBay) I might have felt a bit cheated by the lack of content. I might not particularly approve of the ‘the only good gnome is a dead gnome’ stance of the author but obviously I knew what i was buying from the title.